when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
