I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
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Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here