i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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