So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high