I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.