I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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