Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
