those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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