Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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