if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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