I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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