i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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