Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
