from now on my penis is your penis
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
