Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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