I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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