If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
