I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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