you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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