when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
