well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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