I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
