Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
