I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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