I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
