sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
