just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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