if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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