remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
