so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So vagazzling was a success
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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