I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
