Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
