life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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