did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
