i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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