Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
