the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
