I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
