can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
