I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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