tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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