I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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