i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
