my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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