drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
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The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
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If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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