I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
accomplished twins. life is a go
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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