I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dear god my vagina.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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