sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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