how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
