I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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