Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's shark week go big or go home
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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