Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
