my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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