omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
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Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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