Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
