Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
did i just pee glitter
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
