she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I need to align my fucking chakras
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
