When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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