She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
