I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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