tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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