I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
